As we approach the Christmas holiday and prepare to spend time with family, I’m mindful of just how many of you are planning on spending time with grown children who have chosen not to follow Christ. Others won’t see their kids at all because they remain estranged.

My heart breaks for those of you who are experiencing these realities. Because our kids are still growing, I’m reticent to share any counsel to folks who are further along in life than I am. But enough of you have asked for prayer or advice that I thought it best to jot down a few encouragements based on patterns I’ve observed as a pastor.

How should you respond when your grown children are walking away from the faith or from their family? First, grieve in hope. There’s no use pretending that things are fine when they aren’t fine. There’s no reason not to cry out to God in grief when you see your children taking a path of folly: “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him” (Proverbs 17:25). That’s the way it is. But this isn’t the end of the story. Remember the prodigal son.

Second, pray with patience. We “ought always to pray and not lose heart.” A young John Mark walked away when things got tough, but decades later he was “useful” to an aged apostle facing the trial of his life (2 Timothy 4:11). Many a gray-haired believer has been able to thank God that He brought their adult son or daughter back to Christ after years of prayer. Don’t give up!

Third, pick your battles. We know our kids aren’t the enemy; they’re the ones we’re fighting for! But in the moment it’s easy to just see red. Too many Christmas dinners have ended on a sour note because we can’t just let go of the petty disagreements that inevitably arise from one generation to another.

My kids are at an age where they’ve started thinking for themselves (the gall!). Of course, that’s what we’ve been raising them to do. But if I’m honest, I generally want them to think for themselves and see that I’ve been right all along! Am I the only parent who feels this way?

Folks, we know this isn’t a realistic expectation. But are we prepared to leave certain topics alone because we love our kids?

The most obvious topic is politics. On the one hand, it’s extremely important that our kids learn about the world from parents who love them and who love the Lord rather than from Instagram reels and history profs with Marxist leanings. On the other hand, by the time your son or daughter is 25 or 30 (or older), you may need to just decide to leave it alone. If they want to debate, you can ask: “Do you mind if we just enjoy spending time together today?” If the relationship is already strained, it’s probably not the right time to hash out your stance on the war in Ukraine or the pros and cons of tariffs.

Fourth, set your boundaries. A lot of parents avoid setting boundaries because they are afraid that they might lose what little relationship they have if they don’t give their child what he or she wants. But that approach can very easily make things worse. Oftentimes, we have boundaries but we don’t communicate them. Instead, we expect others to read our minds based on “common sense.” The result is disappointment, bitterness, and coldness.

Instead, set reasonable, generous boundaries, communicate them, and stick to them. This is especially critical when it comes to your relationship with the Lord. Your kids are going to make their own choices, and you are responsible to make yours. Be faithful, and trust God with the result.

Finally, set a loving example. Years ago, a wise older man told me, “If my daughter is calling me, that means I haven’t called her enough.” I loved that. He was saying, “It’s my responsibility to maintain a relationship with my family; I’m not going to wait for someone else to make it happen.”

We expect gratitude and appreciation from our kids, and in a sense we have every right to do so. But when we’re met with entitlement, ingratitude, lack of consideration—when our kids take us for granted as they inevitably will—we must be ready to respond differently.

Take the initiative to communicate how much you love and are grateful to God for your kids. Remind them of the ways they’ve been a blessing to you (not to steer them but to celebrate them). Enjoy them; show interest in their life.

Brothers and sisters, we’re in this together. Let’s pray for one another in our efforts to relate to our grown children in a way that pleases Christ.